FOODZ

All right, kids. Sit your keister down, because it's about time I told you a little something about the glory and the absurdity that is...

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Czech food.

That's right. Brace yourself. Because just after READING this blog, you won't be able to eat. For a week.

I'll admit I haven't had the 100% *AUTHENTIC WOWZA* Czech food experience because I've recently taken up vegetarianism, and meat is a main component of Czech cuisine. But I've still had my fair share of the food.

One word: Heavy.

"Italian food is heavy." NO.
"Mexican food is heavy." NO.
CZECH FOOD IS HEAVY.

We're talking meat, fat and starch. Think potatoes. Lots of potatoes. Prague is like the Bubba Gump of potatoes. They got fried potatoes, boiled potatoes, baked potatoes, sauteed potatoes, mashed potatoes, potato soup, potato pancakes...

But before I get ahead of myself, allow me to lead you through the various courses, in order. For starters, ya got what 75% of what Czech dining is about: soup, or "polévka." There's a vast number of polévky to choose from; I'll list some of my favorites, which are also the most popular. Most are eaten with a particular rye or sourdough bread which is fairly common in the Czech Republic.

Cibulačka (see-boo-lotch-kuh)
 This is a typically broth-based onion soup. If this isn't on the menu, then you are not in an authentic Czech restaurant. Get out. Quickly. Run. NOW.

Bramboračka (bram-bo-rotch-kuh)
Cream-based potato soup. It's usually fairly thick.

Houbová Polévka (how-bo-vuh po-lev-kuh)
It might also be called "houbočka," I'm not sure. But this is mushroom soup: another thick, cream-based soup. It tastes REALLY good with bread.

Hovězí Vývar (ho-vyeh-zee vee-var)
Literally, beef broth. Haven't tried it, but it's a very common soup you're bound to find in most Czech restaurants.

Česnečka (chess-netch-kuh)
Garlic soup. Delicious, and great for hangovers!

So order any one of these bad boys as a starter. Word of caution: cream-based soups may be amazing, but they're really filling. And if you're following through with your 3-course Czech meal, then you'll want plenty of room for the main course. Here are a few of the most popular:

Svíčková
So what we've got here is a very traditional main course. It consists of beef ("hovězí") and dumplings ("knedlíky") all swimming in a rich, creamy beef sauce. Most typical Czech food fits within this framework: dumplings with meat simmering in a creamy sauce-version of itself. For those who don't know, dumplings are thick, floury... discs... usually made of bread or potatoes. They're really good if you eat them with some kind of sauce ("omáčka"), which is more or less their purpose in the first place. Since they're also completely starch, they fill you up. Fast.

Pečené Vepřové s Knedlíky (peh-cheh-nay vep-shro-vay s kned-lee-kee)
 Same thing. But with pork, and usually some sort of vegetable prepared in the least healthy (and thus most delicious) manner possible-- spinach, saurkraut, etc.

Guláš (goo-losh... gee, why does this sound familiar?)
...Yes, it's goulash. Goulash is a stew made of beef and vegetables. If you're looking for some down-home Communist era cuisine, this is it.

Šopský Salát (shop-skee suh-lat)
Otherwise known as "šopák." Okay, this is more like a traditional salad than an actual meal, but I get it a lot because it is duh-ricious. It's simply peppers, tomatoes and cucumbers with feta cheese and olive oil.

Bramboráčky (bram-bo-rotch-kee)
Potato pancakes. I grabbed one of these bad boys at the nearby deli/bakery once when I had a break between classes. I won't lie, the Jew in me loves them. They're pretty much latkes, although the one I tried was a lot bigger and had some other stuff mixed in there. But for the most part, they're what you expect a potato pancake to be. I imagine when you're not stuffing one down your throat while dodging traffic to get to class on time, they taste good with sour cream or applesauce.

Smažený Sýr (smaj-nee seer)
DRUM ROLL PLEASE. Okay, so we're all familiar with cheese sticks, right? Smažený sýr is a cheese BRICK. It's literally a block of fried cheese, served with a side of potatoes and tartar sauce, sometimes cranberries. All this thing needs is a scoop of ice cream on top to become to most caloric meal ever invented. Needless to say, it is not for the faint of heart (or the clogged of arteries).

I should say that I only give smažený sýr such a hard time because I love it. It is a stupidly delicious meal that I've had more than a few times so far.

...Cheese. JUST CHEESE. As a main course. I still can't get over it. It's the most delicious way to simulate the feeling that you've swallowed a bowling ball.

And all of these wonderful meals are usually accompanied with beer. So-- beer, soup, bread, meat, potatoes. That's your traditional meal. Czech food is something delicious... but should only be consumed in sparse intervals.

TUNE IN NEXT BLOG when I talk about desserts!